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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
is available for rebound sex.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.