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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again