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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
is "insert clever remark here."
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
AWESOME!