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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.