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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.