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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.