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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.