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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.