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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.