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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.