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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?