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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I am the bestest at the English language...
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.