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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.