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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches