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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.