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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.