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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.