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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.