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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
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UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!