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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
My cardio is shopping.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Being alive is so expensive.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.