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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops