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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.