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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
What if the weather talks about us?
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.