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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.