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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake