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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.