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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.