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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.