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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.