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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.