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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.