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I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.