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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b