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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.