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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.