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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.