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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.