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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.