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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.