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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?