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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!