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Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
It needs more cowbell!!
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"