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I wish I had a friend like me
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."