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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.