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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...