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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
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I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.