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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.