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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.