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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off