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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list