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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally