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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.