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I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.