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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.