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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?