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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.