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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
i only drink on days that end with y
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.