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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.