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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome