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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.