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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.