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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?