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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake