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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.