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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.