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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.