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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.