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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.