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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.