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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.