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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...