Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.