Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.