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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you