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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.