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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
What if the weather talks about us?
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling