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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.