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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.