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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!