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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
The problem with diets is pizza.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.