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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.