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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.