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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.