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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.