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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.