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I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Just found out that Iām 53 Cheetos tall.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.