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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.