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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?