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I don`t care about your status...
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.