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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)