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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.