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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.