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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...