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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....