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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.