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I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...