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Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.