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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I think I may be getting harder to love.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.